Ways to Say I Love You or How To Ruin Everythi
by Rhiannon7
Summary: Once upon a time, Lex and Clark got together...


Orbiting  
101 Ways to Say I Love You  
or   
How To Ruin Everything  
  
Rachel/Rhiannon  
stephenhero@msn.com  
August 2002  
  
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Disclaimers: I do not profit in any way from my obsession with Clark, Lex and the Clex. Unless you count the new set of beautiful stickers of Michael Rosenbaum that Starcat made for me! Or the five hours of Michael Rosenbaum goodness that Eisakay sent! So don't sue!  
  
Spoilers: Spoilers for entire first season.   
  
Ratings Note: R  
  
Summary: Prequel, AU/Romance, Clark/Lex . Prequel to Tomorrowland and Amplified Heart.  
  
Once upon a time, the boys of the Orbiting universe got together.   
  
Author's Note: Schmoop. Pure schmoop and I'm not even ashamed.   
  
For those who care about these things, the following albums were in constant rotation:  
  
Heather Nova, South   
  
Ryan Adams, Gold  
  
Beth Orton, Trailer Park  
  
Wilco, Yankee Foxtrot Hotel  
  
Nick Drake, Pink Moon  
  
And I stole the chapter names from song titles from the above. Don't own them either.   
  
Acknowledgements: Thanks to Fabrisse (get better soon!) , nerodi ::love::, Starcat ::heart::, Alax and Serafina for the beta. Any lingering grammatical mistakes, etc, are mine and mine alone. Thanks to my husband as well for not groaning every time I mention Smallville.   
  
Dedication: For Eisakay, 'cause she sent FIVE HOURS of Michael Rosenbaum yummy goodness! For nerodi 'cause of the addiction and love and all. And...cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!!!!  
  
Feedback: Clark and Lex really want you to send me feedback. They told me so. stephenhero@msn.com  
  
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Chapter One  
Touch, Feel and Lose  
  
  
Clark's lips were just the way he had imagined. Soft, plush, and warm. His tongue slipped out, brushing against them...but there was something wrong. The kiss wasn't being returned. Clark's arms flexed and big hands pushed Lex away. Stumbling backwards, vague thoughts flew to the surface of his mind but he couldn't grasp even one. He had to say something to salvage this if possible. Something. Anything. Now.   
  
"Clark...I'm sorry. I must have misinterpreted your signals." Lex spread his hands into a pleading gesture, clipping the words out fast and nervous. Clark just stared at him, fingers to his lips, mouth hanging open and shocked.   
  
His mind scrambled over phrases he'd used before, in situations that were...nothing like this. "Clark. I...don't know what to say. I'm sorry. I don't want this to effect our friendship."   
  
"Lex?" Clark's voice was low, confused.  
  
Lex stepped forward again, careful not to encroach upon the personal space he had so regularly violated until twenty seconds ago. "Clark...I know you're shocked. I misunderstood. I thought you wanted...it doesn't matter what I thought." His hand sketched over his scalp, "I was wrong. I don't want this to change anything."   
  
Clark swallowed, breathing irregularly, "Lex...what the hell did I do to make you think I wanted that?"   
  
"I don't know, Clark. It doesn't matter." Lex risked another step forward, "Just tell me that it won't change our friendship. It was a mistake. Everyone deserves to be forgiven for a mistake, right?"   
  
Lex was shocked to find that he was nearly pleading. Nearly, but not quite. His voice was steady, reasonable, betraying no indication of his violently racing heart...or the deafening rush of blood in his ears.   
  
Clark licked his lips and swallowed again, "I need to go." He turned and walked toward the door of the den apparently hell-bent on putting as much space between them as possible. As his fingers wrapped around the doorknob, he paused, turned back to Lex and met his eyes. "It won't affect our friendship. It was a mistake. I forgive you."   
  
And he was gone.   
  
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Clark didn't use his speed and for the first time in a long time it wasn't out of fear of someone catching him. He needed the silence of the road, the quiet of the wind in the corn stalks, the friendly comfort of the blue flowers that splashed the roadside.   
  
Lex had kissed him. Lex had kissed him. His mind couldn't seem to grasp it. It felt like a bizarre waking dream, like maybe it hadn't really happened. Because, Lex was a guy and his friend...in some ways his best friend.   
  
Sure, Clark knew that sometimes two guys did...stuff. He even had some idea of what they did. And he had heard rumors about Lex. Some guy at school had made a snide remark about him, saying Lex hit from both sides of the plate. Clark knew what that meant. He watched Will and Grace.   
  
But...Lex had kissed him. With his tongue. Clark was pretty sure that that he should be disgusted or pissed off. Maybe he should feel violated. But he didn't...he wasn't. He was just very confused.  
  
And very sad.   
  
There was no way to deny that it had really happened. Clark couldn't stop thinking about the look on Lex's face before he had kissed him. It was a look that Lex needed to wear more often. It was full of comfort and tenderness and joy; even a little regret, like there was something happening that Lex knew should have happened sooner.   
  
And then there was the way Lex's hands had clung to his arms, needing and wanting something that Clark didn't understand. His tongue had been so gentle and yet firm, as though trying to divulge some sort of secret that it would never impart in words.   
  
Clark couldn't forget that, didn't even want to forget that. And that just confused him even more. If he wanted to remember, did it mean he was gay? No. He wasn't even going to go there.   
  
But the part that hurt Clark the most was the look on Lex's face when Clark had pushed him away. The terrible mask that dropped over Lex's feelings was foreign, cold, empty. It was scary the way Lex had closed off, shut down. But his friend hadn't been able to hide his pounding heart and wildly beating pulse. Clark had wanted to comfort Lex, had wanted to make it alright. But he had been too shocked, too stunned...besides, how did someone make something like this right?   
  
Clark made slow circles around the farm, never directing his feet all the way home. He didn't understand, he wasn't reacting the right way. Maybe he had liked it? He wasn't sure. All he knew was how he felt...or didn't feel. He didn't feel disgusted. But he didn't feel excited either. Not like he thought he was supposed to feel when someone he loved kissed him. And he did love Lex. But only as a friend.   
  
Not like that.   
  
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Chapter Two  
Wildflowers  
  
  
Clark studied the invitation to the museum exhibit opening. He ran his fingers over the heavy stationery and the gold letters announcing the date and time. Lex's own pointed scrawl cut across the bottom of it, "Clark, please come as my guest. You can ride with me. Lex"   
  
He and Lex had put the kiss behind them without another word about it, but it seemed like Lex was still trying make it up to him. Clark figured this invitation was just another attempt to buy his forgiveness which had been granted for free moments after it was requested. He shook his head sadly at Lex's lack of belief. For someone so confident, Lex had a lot of self-worth issues.   
  
He turned to where his mother was pounding out the dough for pie crust at the kitchen counter, hesitated and considered the invitation again.   
  
Martha blew a strand of hair out of her face and asked, "Clark? What are you looking at?"   
  
Clark shrugged, "Lex invited me to some museum thing."   
  
He stood up from the table, took the invitation over to her, and held it for her to read without getting flour all over it. He didn't have any hope of being allowed to attend. He'd never been to Metropolis, it was a big city, and he knew how his dad felt about Lex.   
  
Martha looked the invitation over, "Alexander the Great, huh?" She pursed her lips a little in thought before smiling up at him, "That looks like it could be an interesting exhibit, a once in a lifetime experience too. Would you like to go?"  
  
"Really?" Clark blinked in surprise, "You'd let me go to Metropolis for this? With Lex?"   
  
Martha smiled, "Well, sure, honey. I mean, I'll have to check this with your dad...but I don't see why not." Another strand of red hair got loose and fell into her eyes. Clark pushed it back behind her ear for her and planted a kiss on her cheek.   
  
"Cool. Thanks, Mom" Clark's grin was huge and he knew it was goofy but he didn't care. "I better go try on my jacket and nice pants...make sure they still fit."  
  
Martha sighed, "I think you may have finally stopped growing, Clark. It's been nearly a year since you had any spurts."  
  
Clark heard her from the staircase. He was already on his way to his room, brimming with excitement about the trip to Metropolis and a night out with Lex.  
  
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Lex studied his hard cock thoughtfully. Stretched out on his bed, on top of the comforter, Lex looked down at the red, swollen head and considered his options.   
  
As far as masturbation fantasies went, Lex had many, but there were certainly favorites. His most recent favorite was no longer very pleasurable though. In fact, his chest tightened whenever he began to think about it. It felt almost like his asthma was returning, like he couldn't breathe.   
  
But it was still the best fantasy, the one that made his cock harder than any other one he ever had.   
  
Lex closed his eyes and leaned back, letting his hand drop to his stomach. He ran just the tips of his fingers up and down absently as he gathered the parts of the fantasy in his mind.   
  
He is standing in the den, looking out the window when he hears the heavy footsteps that he would recognize anywhere. The door opens but he doesn't bother to turn around. There is the thwap of a heavy book-bag hitting the floor and then the feel of Clark standing right behind. "Lex, we need to talk." The voice is hesitant, yeah, like that, soft.  
  
Lex allowed his hand to drift down to wrap around the hard length and started a gentle stroking.  
  
"Lex?" The voice hitches up in anticipation when Lex turns around. "Clark." Lex simply says that name, says it deep and soft and it tells everything. Clark knows and he leans forward to take Lex into his arms. "I need to tell you that I want you, Lex." It is a husky voice now, hot, sexy... Lips closing on his earlobe before a tongue moves to his ear, yeah, good...  
  
The phone rang, brittle and hard in the silence of the room. "Fuck!" Lex exhaled and released his cock. He reached to the phone and watched the name scroll across the digital display. "Kent Farms".  
  
Lex felt a jolt of panic as though Clark could know his thoughts, know that he was jerking off thinking about him. Lex steadied himself, took a deep breath and answered, "Lex here."   
  
"Lex!" Clark's voice was exuberant, "Guess what!"  
  
Lex let his hand drift low again but avoided touching where it was needed so much. "I have no idea, tell me."  
  
"Mom and Dad said I could go with you to that museum opening you invited me to..." Clark sounded eager and happy.  
  
Lex shifted in the bed, needing to touch, "Great." He paused and swallowed, "I'm sort of in the middle of something, Clark. Can we discuss the details tomorrow?" Lex gripped the comforter in his free hand to keep from grabbing his cock, "Maybe when you deliver the produce?"   
  
"Sure. Yeah. Of course." Clark sounded slightly deflated, a soft sigh drifted over the line.  
  
Lex surprised himself with his need to protect Clark's enthusiasm. "Hey, but I'm really glad you can go." He tried to get rid of any huskiness in his voice, tried to sound normal. "We'll have a great time and I'll take the limo. Tell you parents they won't even have to worry about my driving." And, oh, fuck, and that's an even better fantasy. Lex's body knew it too, responding with a sharp coil low in his gut.   
  
You could practically hear Clark's grin at the other end, "Cool. This is going to be great. I'm excited. Thanks for asking me, Lex."   
  
"Anytime. That's what friends are all about right?" God, he really wanted to touch, his cock was so hard and twitching now, dripping pre-come onto his stomach.  
  
"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
"Bye, Clark."   
  
Barely able to get the phone back in the cradle, Lex's hand was on his cock, twisting, pumping hard and fast. He arched uncontrollably, bucking into his fist. Wrenching sounds ripped from his throat and his mind was lost, intoxicated by a warm voice over a phone line. He cried out mangled obscenities as his body tensed and pulsed, finally, thank God, with sweet release and hot ribbons of come marked his chest.   
  
  
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Chapter Three  
Wish I Never Saw The Sunshine  
  
  
What the hell was wrong with him? Why was he so upset about this?   
  
Clark was running home, the wind ripping at his clothes, probably doing a number on the soles of his dress shoes. But he didn't care. He just needed to be home and fast. Needed to be someplace where he could maybe think straight, the smog in the Metropolis air was suffocating and the city was nearly unbearably loud.   
  
Although it had not seemed that way earlier that night. Then it had been intriguing, but now...  
  
He had been so stunned when Lex had turned to him, "Would you mind terribly if I asked you to get a ride home with Whitney and Lana, Clark? I have...business to attend to..." and Lex had nodded toward that girl, no, that woman, Victoria. An old girlfriend apparently who had become the center of Lex's attention the moment she appeared. Clark had felt cold, alone and abandoned without the heavy weight of Lex's focus. He hadn't realized how much it meant to him. How much he liked it.   
  
But what the hell was wrong with him that he was more upset about Lex being with this woman than he was about the incident with the bus? And just what exactly was he upset about anyway?  
  
Buildings and cars swam by him in the bizarre slow motion that the world took on when he was moving this fast. The path he cut through the fields left a whirling wake behind him. The farmers would think it was just a freak wind if they saw it. The cornstalks slapped against his clothes, whipping his jacket, ripping it. Clark didn't slow, didn't think twice about this speeding, heart-pounding exertion. He didn't worry about how to explain his ruined clothes to his mother. He needed to be home where he could think.  
  
He could pretend that he was upset because Lex had essentially abandoned him in a strange city, leaving him to ride home with the girl he had a crush on and her boyfriend. And, hey, that was pretty un-cool...it certainly wasn't anything a good friend would ever do. But, then again, it wasn't like Lex had much practice in the ways of friendship.   
  
No, Clark had to admit that he was upset because Lex was going to take that woman back to his penthouse in Metropolis, or even to the mansion in Smallville. Lex was probably going look at her the way he had looked at Clark that day he kissed him. And that woman, Victoria, wouldn't push him away. No, she would respond and they would move to the bedroom where Lex would reveal himself to her in a way Clark would never know. The thought was simultaneously arousing and nauseating. More nauseating.   
  
What the hell was wrong with him? Yeah, he loved Lex. But not in that way. Right? He wasn't gay...was he? No. He did not just think that.   
  
Clark found he was home too soon. As he climbed to the loft, he realized he had been wrong. He couldn't think here after all. He was pretty sure he couldn't think anywhere. All he could do was feel...and all he felt only confused him more.  
  
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Lex wrapped his arms around Victoria and sucked her tongue into his mouth. This would be a good distraction, a nice way to do some business, an enjoyable means of gaining control of Hardwick Enterprises. It definitely made seeing the bashful looks and big, round eyes of a certain underage friend easier to bear.   
  
Lex lifted Victoria up onto the edge of the pool table, her thighs straddled his waist. She started to unbutton the collar of his shirt, her long nails skimming the surface of the cloth and his skin, as she placed sharp nips to his jaw line. He arched into her as she bit hard into his neck. It would leave a mark.   
  
The violence of sex with Victoria might distract him to the point that he didn't even pretend that she was Clark. Maybe Lex could drown all of his lust in these moments with Victoria and not think about Clark at all. Because with Clark it wouldn't be like this...with Clark it would be softer...  
  
Lex shuddered remembering the mistake he had made in kissing Clark. The look on the kid's face was something he never wanted to see again. His stomach twisted again remembering the trembling lips, the eyes huge and full of fear.  
  
Clark was probably the only person he had ever counted as a friend, the only person who treated him as something other than just his father's son. He couldn't believe he had risked that. Lex viewed life as he viewed his business. He took calculated risks, weighed the potential gain against the potential loss before making a move. It had been an error in his calculations that led to that kiss. But now he knew...  
  
Sex wasn't worth losing Clark. He could get sex any time.   
  
For example, he was getting it now.  
  
Hassle free, kinky sex along with an easy game of corporate chess boasting a nice jackpot at the end.   
  
And, apparently, Clark had forgiven him. Lex wanted to have it all and, by some scraping miracle of youthful generosity on Clark's part, he had managed just that.  
  
"Lex, where are you?" Victoria murmured against his lips, using her wicked tongue to tease his scar.  
  
"Just thinking of the look on our fathers' faces when they realize what we've done," he lied.   
  
He did not need to be thinking about Clark at a time like this; it was better to be thinking on his game of corporate war.  
  
Victoria bit his lip and murmured, "I want you to see the look on my face when I'm tied to the bed and begging for you to let me come..."  
  
"Excuse me, I'm sorry." Clark's voice was hollow, humiliated.  
  
Lex jerked away from Victoria as though he'd been slapped, "Clark. Come in." He took another step away from her, "You remember Victoria..."  
  
Clark blushed and looked at his sneakers, "Yeah. Hi again." Lex couldn't believe it but Clark literally toed the floor in embarrassment, "Um, I left the produce in the kitchen." Licking his lips and swallowing, Clark mumbled, "I need to go." He lifted his hand, glanced quickly up through his lashes and managed, "I'll see you later."   
  
Then he was gone. It almost seemed faster than humanly possible, but not really.   
  
Victoria closed the space Lex had put between them. "Cute kid." She mumbled into his neck, resuming her physical assault.   
  
Lex pulled away from her, "Yes. He is." He began to saunter from the room, "I just remembered that I have a conference call."   
  
"Really, Lex, can't you miss it?" Victoria's voice trailed after him, edged in frustration.  
  
"No, I'm afraid not."   
  
After strolling to his office, he shut the door and locked it. He sat at his desk and took his phone off the hook. Cradling his head in his hands, Lex pondered his situation.   
  
Clark's presence had ruined everything. Well, everything about sex with Victoria, anyway.   
  
Victoria was a cheap whore when Lex saw her through Clark's farm-fresh eyes. Cheap, fast, and hard. All things that Clark wasn't. Clark was valuable, slow and soft. In fact, Clark might be the most valuable thing he had ever seen.   
  
Lex certainly couldn't afford him.   
  
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Chapter Four  
When The Stars Go Blue  
  
  
Clark didn't understand.   
  
He sat out on a hay bale in the back east field. It was night and he kept his head bent low, letting the cold wind rake over his cheeks and through his hair. He was doubled over as though to protect his arms and hands from the cold, but it was just a pose. He had learned to fake feeling the weather like anyone else. Besides, he felt safer curled over on himself like this. Safe and compact like no one could touch him. Like his heart was buffered and sheltered.   
  
But it wasn't. His heart was exposed and hurting like it had been stomped or stabbed or slashed...maybe all three.   
  
His parents were making assumptions about his behavior. Just that morning he'd heard his mother say, "Jon, he's just learned that he isn't from this planet, he has a crush on Lana Lang who is involved with someone else and he has had to deal with so many strange things lately including that terrible incident with Phelan...cut him some slack."   
  
And his dad had cut him slack. He'd even sent him off to have fun with Chloe and Pete instead of finishing up the chores.   
  
But Clark had come here instead...to brood, to think...about being a fucking gay alien.   
  
Because how else could he explain waking up from dreams of Lex with sticky, wet sheets? He didn't remember a whole lot about them, but he knew they involved skin, kissing and, sometimes...other things.  
  
And how else could he explain the painful twist of jealousy when Amy had mentioned being in Lex's bedroom? Or the burning in his gut when Amy had insinuated a relationship with Lex, even after he knew she was psychotic?   
  
How could he could he explain the fact that he hated Victoria? And he really hated her. A lot. He wanted bad things to happen to her. And part of him wished that he had let her drown. She was trying to hurt Lex, he just knew it...but Lex didn't even care. Lex acted like it was normal for the person he was dating to stab him in the back.   
  
And, then there was that...  
  
If he wasn't gay would he want to protect Lex so much? Would he find himself daydreaming in class about holding Lex tight, calming him, stroking him, and, oh God, sleeping with him like a giant stuffed animal from his childhood? That wasn't normal friend stuff...he didn't want to do that with Pete for Christ's sake.   
  
Okay, so when had this all started? Honestly, he had to admit that it had started before the kiss. At least some of it. The wet dreams came after...but the desire to be near Lex whenever he could had been there before. Maybe Lex hadn't misinterpreted his signals, maybe Clark just hadn't known he was giving them out.   
  
But, oh God, this was the most frightening thing he'd ever thought about in his life. Okay, second most frightening, after the alien stuff.   
  
And, really, this was not going to help him to fit in. And, this was absolutely not something he could talk to Pete about...or Chloe. And definitely not Lana...after all they had just become friends and he didn't want to freak her out with his weirdness already.   
  
And, oh God, there was no way he could talk to his parents, because how embarrassing would that be? Besides, this would not go over well with them either, for oh so many reasons.   
  
Maybe, if he could just ignore it and just ignore Lex...maybe it would go away. The wind whistled past him and his body carved a sculpture of solidity in the midst of that cold force.   
  
Curling up even tighter on himself, Clark admitted that there was no way he was going to be able to ignore it or Lex. He didn't even want to try it. There was a pain in his heart when he thought about going even one day without seeing Lex or hearing his voice. If he couldn't come up with a reason to drop by the mansion, he always found a reason to call.   
  
Besides, just when Clark thought he had garnered the strength to back away, give them both some space, Lex would call him with some invitation or just to talk. It was the 'just to talk' conversations that really got under Clark's skin. Lex would chat with him like he was the most interesting person alive.   
  
Clark didn't understand how Lex could really want to hear about his day at school, his friends or his class projects, but, apparently, he did. Because Lex would call and ask questions until Clark had told him everything. Well, almost everything. And Lex would laugh, joke and dispense advice or sometimes listen quietly and make murmuring noises that expressed his sympathy or agreement.   
  
Clark loved these conversations...sometimes they lasted for over an hour. He would marvel over that after he hung up the phone. He had been the center of Lex's universe for an hour. He felt like the most important person in the world; or the richest, brightest star in the galaxy, like he was shining from the inside out.   
  
Oh God...and even if he could face it. Even if he could bring himself to admit it...  
  
It was way too late anyway, right? He'd had his opportunity with Lex and he'd blown it. Lex was content with just being friends...and now he had Victoria. He didn't want Clark that way any more.   
  
Clark tucked his head into his folded limbs and was shocked to feel tears slip over his cheeks.   
  
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Chapter Five  
Firecracker  
  
Lex stood looking out of the loft, Clark to his right, separated from him by the telescope. The silence was deep and warm like the sunset and he wasn't interested in disturbing it. The friendship he had risked and, luckily, not lost had been cemented again.   
  
Clark had called Lex his best friend. He glanced over at the warm, flannel-clad kid. The protective rush that surged through him probably had a name he couldn't afford know or speak. Some people thought that he lived without faith, but his friendship with Clark was a testament to the opposite. Or perhaps, Lionel would say, it was a testament to Lex's immaturity and emotionalism. Lex shrugged this thought off.   
  
"Lex?" Clark murmured softly, his voice slightly tense.  
  
"Yes, Clark?" He looked over at his friend as unguarded as he'd ever been in his life. It must have reflected in his eyes because Clark confessed a secret.  
  
"I'm afraid."  
  
Lex turned, a frown etched into his face with sudden worry, "You're afraid?"  
  
Clark nodded, "Terrified."   
  
Lex moved around the telescope to get closer to his friend.   
  
Clark stood facing out of the loft, his head bent and his eyes closed; the contented peace of only a moment before now replaced by a silent tension.   
  
"Talk to me, Clark." Lex rested his hand on Clark's shoulder and tried to turn him around. "You can't say something like that and not tell me more. Let me help you."   
  
Clark did turn around, slowly, shutting the world out with his lowered eyelids. Lex stared up into that wide, usually open face and frowned at the deep sadness written there. Seized by an urge to hug Clark, he took a small step back. He waited patiently, hoping that Clark would speak to him again, that he wouldn't be forced to squeeze it out of him.   
  
"I want to be normal. But I don't think I am," Clark muttered finally, keeping his eyes tightly closed.   
  
"Clark..." Lex ran one hand over his scalp, "Normal is for people who want to live average lives. Neither you nor I are meant for mediocrity...we are going to be greater than that."  
  
Clark nodded and cracked his eyes open, sadness still covering his face like dust, "We?"   
  
"Yes. We. Didn't you listen before?" Lex teased gently; he allowed a small smile.   
  
Clark's eyes locked onto his and Lex had to be imagining the heat there. Maybe not...because Clark's body swayed forward, his eyelids hooded, his pupils dilated and dark. "Lex...can I kiss you?"  
  
Lex sucked in a breath, taking another step back.   
  
Clark snapped up and away, a blush staining his cheeks and his eyes shifting wildly. "I'm sorry, Lex. I..." He shoved past Lex, knocking his friend back several feet, before he vanished down the stairs.   
  
Lex was frozen. Several seconds passed before his mind clicked back on. It occurred to him that he should have followed Clark. He should have...hell, he should have kissed the kid. But now Clark was gone and Lex didn't even know where begin to look.   
  
He descended the loft stairs, looking for Clark around the barn and the yard before giving up. He slid into his car and took the long way back to the mansion. Victoria would be angry that he had missed his dinner engagement with her. But, obviously, he didn't give a damn about that. Not at all.  
  
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It was awkward with Lex for a little while. Lex had insisted they talk about it. Or rather Lex had talked and Clark had nodded, grinned and agreed.   
  
Because there was nothing else to do.   
  
There was no way to say, "Hey, Lex. I was wrong. I'm in love with you." The last time he checked that would ruin things a lot faster than pretending that it was all just horny teenage curiosity that made him request that kiss. People...well, Lex...wouldn't react well to sudden declarations of love; Clark was sure of it.   
  
But he was in love with Lex. He was sure of that too.   
  
He had forced himself to examine it from every angle when he lost his powers. For the first time in his life, he thought he might really have a chance to be a normal kid. He sat down on a hay bale and refused to budge until he made up his mind. It had taken him four hours to think through it all, to feel it, to accept that he did feel it and, finally, to know it.   
  
He had decided that he was used to being abnormal, used to having secrets. He wanted Lex enough to put up with not being one hundred percent Smallville-brand normal. Obviously, that part hadn't panned out anyway, but it didn't change what he had decided and what he knew was true.  
  
And, Victoria was gone. Long gone. It was probably wrong that he had smiled so widely when Lex told him she had left for good. But Lex had just chuckled and it seemed okay.  
  
So, when Lex sat him down on the sofa in the den and said things like, "I value our friendship too much to play with this kind of fire, Clark." And, "You are young, you aren't sure what you want...I'm sure you were just curious..." And, "There is too much to loose for this to be an acceptable risk, I'm sorry that I led you on with that first kiss." Clark had grinned, nodded and agreed. He was good at that; he'd done it his entire life.   
  
Besides, he could read Lex's body language: the hand scrambling over his scalp, the small ducks of his head to avoid eye contact, the way he looked at him just a little too steadily. Clark's eyes heard all that Lex didn't say. Lex didn't say, "I want you Clark, but I want our friendship more." Lex didn't say, "I feel things for you I've never felt for anyone else." Lex didn't say, "I'll do anything to protect you and to protect what I have with you." Lex didn't say those things...but Clark heard them loud and clear.   
  
These unsaid things soothed him, they gave him patience and armed him with the confidence to act.   
  
Clark spent several days developing his plan of action. It consisted of a detailed mental list of ways to show Lex how much he loved him, ways to convince Lex that a relationship with him was an acceptable risk. 101 ways to be exact. Some he pilfered from his mom's books on how to have a better relationship and some he just made up on his own. Each item was numbered based on significance and weight. He decided not to lose any time checking items off the list.   
  
Starting now.   
  
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Chapter Six  
Sugar Boy  
  
  
Lex opened his mail to find a hand penned note from Clark Kent. His face quirked in amusement as he read.  
  
  
Dear Lex,  
  
I'm in history class. You're at the plant...crap factory. We have very little in common at the moment.   
  
But, regardless, I'm thinking of you. So, anyway, I wanted to tell you.   
  
I'm going to actually mail this letter because I'm fascinated with the mail. Ask me about it sometime and I'll tell you why.  
  
Clark  
  
Lex shook his head and rose from his chair. He stepped across the room and randomly picked a book from the shelf. He folded the short note in half and tucked it between the leaves. It would be a nice surprise one day down the road.   
  
He returned to his laptop feeling lighter and hoping that his best friend, who was fascinated with the mail, would stop by later and explain to him exactly why.   
  
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Thinking over his mental list, Clark knew that he'd pretty much bungled number 15. Although he supposed that saving Lex's life again when those wall-breaching mutants tried to choke him to death should probably make up for his failure, but he was still embarrassed at his mistake.   
  
Apparently Lex didn't like any candy that wasn't a Snickers bar. Luckily, the little red bag Clark brought to his office at the plant on St. Valentine's Day did contain four Snickers bars or the entire thing would have been returned. He still blushed a week later remembering Lex picking out the Snickers bars, smiling up at him and saying, "Thank you so much, Clark, but why don't you give the rest to my assistant, Mitch, so that it doesn't go to waste?"   
  
Besides, he wasn't entirely sure that Lex believed him when he said that it was okay to give gifts to friends on Valentine's Day. Lex looked at him skeptically as he ate his Snicker's bar and lectured him on the history of the holiday. Clark didn't bother telling him that he had pretty much heard this story every year in school since the second grade. Instead, he just sat back in the uncomfortable chair and tried to smother his embarrassment in the warmth of Lex's voice.   
  
So, all in all, number 15 had been botched, but it was not a total loss. Lex had told him that he was welcome to bring him Snickers bars at the plant any time, holiday or not. Clark had promptly added that to his list.  
  
The list in his mind continued to grow and mutate. It consisted of well over 101 ways to show his affection at this point...in fact, it was double that now. He refused to drop even one item from the list, but as he reviewed what had been successful, he couldn't help but add more and similar items.   
  
Like the day that he had taken Lex to the old tree house that he used to go to with Greg and Pete as a kid. Lex had loved it. Apparently he had never been allowed to play in a tree fort as a kid due to his asthma. He had circled the tree looking up at the house with interest and a little longing, finally declaring that it was too bad that it was in such disrepair that it was unsafe. Clark decided that another trip to the tree house in the spring was a reasonable excursion to add to his list. Because by then he would have repaired the tree house so that they could actually climb into it...maybe he'd even bring a few water pistols so they could play war.   
  
He had a feeling Lex would like that...especially if Clark let him win.   
  
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Lex stared at the envelope in his hand.   
  
After the recent disaster with the Kent's land, the Kent's cows, Clark's once again miraculous rescue and his subsequent avoidance of all things Luthor, Lex hadn't been sure he'd ever receive another note from Clark.   
  
Maybe this was just a final one, to say goodbye.   
  
Sighing with the resolution to just get this over with, Lex was unsettled to find that his hands were shaking as he slid the opener into the lip of Clark's letter.   
  
It started out poorly enough...  
  
  
Dear Lex,  
  
My mom asked me to cool it with you for awhile. That's why I haven't been around much.   
  
But I know you didn't mean for it to happen, Lex.   
  
I know that you protect your friends the same way that I do...the best and only way you know how. So, I'm sorry for avoiding you.   
  
I have a lot of making up to do. Starting today. Expect a surprise.  
  
Clark  
  
  
Lex was so relieved he couldn't even laugh at the oxymoron of expecting a surprise. Instead, he folded this note in half and placed it between the pages of Whitman's Leaves of Grass.   
  
He closed the book softly, fingered the embossed leather of the cover and pondered the seemingly unending font of forgiveness that Clark offered. He never wanted to find out just how deeply those source waters ran, never wanted to find himself in a position where the baptism of Clark's smile was denied to him.   
  
So close, he had been so close to losing it. He ran his fingers over Whitman's book of verse and thought about reading the note again. Decided to leave it for another day when he needed to be reminded of charity.   
  
He moved heavily back to his desk, sat down, steepled his fingers and waited for his surprise.   
  
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Lex sat at the Kent kitchen table and watched Clark spooning cookie dough onto a flat metal sheet. Clark's parents were in the next room watching television and doing a crossword together. Every once in awhile Lex would hear something like, "What's a seven letter word for liberty?" It was all he could do to keep from muttering the answers under his breath.   
  
Clark was shooting him grins and telling him the latest news about Chloe and Lana and Pete. Throwing in some jokes about his history teacher and the math instructor who were apparently getting it on in between classes. Lex was relaxed and enjoying the complete and utter domesticity of this moment. The warmth of the Kent kitchen was the complete antithesis of the mansion...the cold castle walls were not conducive to warm cookie baking sessions and crossword puzzle comfort.   
  
"Do you like them kind of gooey, Lex?" Clark tilted his head a little and smiled, "I like them gooey, but I'll bake them however you want them."   
  
Lex smiled, "Whatever makes you happy, Clark, makes me happy."   
  
Shit. Where the hell did that come from...why not profess undying love, you idiot?   
  
But Clark was just nodding like that made the most sense of anything he'd ever heard. And if Lex was honest with himself, it really was the thing that made the most sense in his life...and when he was living by that policy, nothing bad happened. It was only when he stopped thinking of Clark that things went wrong. Like with the Nicodemus flower.   
  
"I like them gooey too." Lex offered and he felt the warmth all the way to his toes when Clark smiled at him.   
  
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Chapter Seven   
Gonna Make You Love Me  
  
  
Lex was disappointed. There was no note from Clark in the mail that day. He even waited around the office until the late mail drop was made, just to make sure. He didn't want to think too hard about the implications of that. Notes from a kid in high school really shouldn't dictate his mood. He didn't have study hall after all. He ran a goddamn factory, he was the heir to LuthorCorp. Really, it shouldn't matter so fucking much.   
  
He had hoped though. He had hoped there would be a note from Clark asking him to stay in Smallville. Asking him not to return to Metropolis. Telling him...what? That Clark loved him? Needed him? What? He was thinking about a fifteen year old kid, after all.   
  
He decided on a last minute stop by the Kent Farm on the way to dinner with his dad. He needed to see Clark one more time before he could make up his mind. Lex picked up the foil that he had set aside earlier in hopes that Clark would stop by the mansion. He wanted to give it to him...as a memento? Lex wasn't sure. He shook his head as he strolled toward the limousine. He caught the eye of a new driver and briefly wondered when Mitch had hired him, but was instantly lost again in his disappointment.   
  
Maybe with Ryan around, Clark didn't need Lex any more. He knew this was the very definition of petulance, he knew it was silly to be jealous of a little kid. A little kid who really didn't like him for some reason Lex couldn't even begin to fathom. Then again, he'd never been a person that children liked, even when he was a child. For some reasons, babies loved him, something that irritated him immensely, but older kids always thought he was a freak. Well, everyone did, really. Except for Clark. Lex stroked his hand over the foil absently.  
  
Clark was standing by the barn as the limo pulled up. Lex watched as he donned a smile from his bag of happy faces, but Lex had not missed the initial look of sadness that the smile was designed to cover. Lex sighed at the absurd blush of hope that warmed his chest.  
  
Getting out of the car, he strolled easily forward and grimly tossed the foil to Clark. Big hands wrapped around it and wide eyes looked up at him questioningly. "It's a foil Clark. Every hero needs one."  
  
Clark's face twisted. The foil glinted in his hands and he shoved it back into the sheath, mumbling something about Lex having decided to go back to Metropolis. Lex hedged, waiting for something more, something definite. Clark looked at him over a painfully sarcastic smile as he asked, "If you haven't made up your mind, why are you giving me a going away present?"   
  
"Keep that away from the kid."   
  
And that earlier blush of hope turned into the cool concrete of a future in Metropolis when Clark told him that Ryan had left. The tightness of Clark's smiles and the edge of sorrow were for Ryan.   
  
Lex stared at him, silently pleading. Please, Clark, just give me something to hold onto here. And finally he did. Finally the words that Lex needed to hear drifted over the frozen air, "For what it's worth...I hope you stay."  
  
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Clark no longer doubted that Lex returned his interest. Lex could feed him that 'you're like a little brother to me' bullshit all day long but Clark wasn't going to swallow it. Mainly, because, well...  
  
Clark would rather call himself a spy than a Peeping Tom, an eavesdropper or a stalker. Of course, X-Ray vision and super-hearing made the spying unbelievably easy.  
  
It had been an accident the first time...sort of.   
  
It was a Saturday night, very late and everyone was asleep except for him. Out for a walk, he ended up at the mansion and decided that it would be alright to use his abilities to watch Lex for a little while, just to see what he was doing. Okay, he knew it was wrong, but sometimes he just got sick of always doing the right thing.   
  
He ended up standing on a slight rise directly outside of the mansion and he returned there almost every night. It was a painful but necessary exercise because all too often Lex had a guest. A guest that was there for one reason and one reason only. Sex.   
  
The jealousy would rip a path through his gut, but Clark learned a lot from watching the women...and men...who came through Lex's house at night. He watched it all...seeing it through to the end.   
  
Almost as soon as it was over, Lex would pull on his boxer shorts and ask the guest to leave. Clark noticed that money was never exchanged, but there was little doubt that these guests were high class prostitutes. Once he was alone, Lex would shower, scrubbing at his skin roughly, sometimes leaning against the shower walls while his body shook.   
  
He wasn't sure if this was something he could ever tell Lex about. He wasn't sure why he was compelled to watch as though standing guard...beyond some vague feeling that he was protecting Lex at his most vulnerable moments.   
  
But there was one thing Clark was pretty damn sure of...people don't generally cry out the name of their so-called 'little brother' when they orgasm.   
  
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The next phase of Clark's plan was jealousy. If it had worked on him, maybe it would work on Lex.   
  
And besides, maybe he wasn't being fair to himself not to even see what would happen with Chloe and Lana. Maybe he would feel something for one of them if he just tried hard enough.   
  
Of course he hadn't intended to get caught reading that stupid book of his mom's. How embarrassing was that? Lex had been so cool, though, and barely even laughed at him.   
  
Clark hadn't failed to notice that when he asked Lex if he'd ever been in love before, his friend had stated very carefully that the only women he'd ever loved had died or betrayed him. Clark had already divined that the woman who died would have been his mother and the one who betrayed him...well, it wasn't Victoria. Clark knew that Lex had never loved her, he'd said as much.   
  
During the staged discussion about Chloe and Lana, Clark was pretty sure Lex had been jealous. There was a moment, right before his mom showed up, that Clark thought Lex might kiss him again. His heart pounded so hard he hadn't even heard his mom on the stairs.   
  
He sent out a note the next day as usual.   
  
Dear Lex,  
  
I asked Chloe to the Spring Formal. She said yes. I am pretty excited. And nervous.   
  
I think she wants me to kiss her. I'm not sure I'm even good at it. What if I'm bad and she hates it? How does someone even know if they are good?   
  
I guess there is no way to know until you've done it, huh?   
  
Hope the crap factory is processing lots of crap today.   
  
Clark  
  
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Lex was going to have this Nixon asshole killed if the guy wasn't careful. He'd been explicit in his emails, explicit in his phone calls, and explicit in the face to face meetings: Leave the Kents alone.   
  
He was even more sensitive today over Clark related issues because he'd been blown off for Chloe. He was sure of it.   
  
The conversation in the loft had been unbearably awkward. But he hadn't lied to the kid. Love is about taking risks. And right now Lex was starting to wonder if he'd made an error in judgment. Maybe he should have taken another risk with Clark. Who could possibly ignore the signals the kid was giving off? But, flannel-wrapped love was not in the stars for Luthors. He knew that, he accepted that and he had been content with the friendship until recently.   
  
But things were changing.   
  
Clark's notes were still regular, the phone calls the same and the produce...as always. Recently though, Clark did little but talk about Chloe and the Spring Formal. And then there had been that dismissive apple toss in the Kent kitchen the other morning...just a little non-verbal, "Good to see you, Lex, but I've got better things to do today."   
  
Lex never liked being second best.   
  
And this was Clark...Lex's first and most important.   
  
The anger that accompanied the shame of this thought burned in his throat as he waited for Nixon to show up. The mother-fucker better have something good to show him...or else it was time for an identity change for the skinny rat.   
  
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Chapter Eight  
Live As You Dream  
  
  
Clark was terrified.   
  
Lex was injured...in the hospital. People were saying something about Mr. Luthor being in stable though critical condition and Clark couldn't figure out whether it was Lionel or Lex they were talking about. All he knew is that they had both been transported via ambulance and an EMT had mentioned that Lex seemed to be in shock.   
  
But Clark was not related, not anywhere close to being next of kin and they wouldn't release any information to him. He gasped in relief when he saw Lex's assistant, Mitch, stumble through the double doors to the critical care unit. Mitch was only ten years older than Lex but he looked much older. Today as he crept down the hallway, he looked forty-one rather than thirty-one.   
  
"Mitch!" Clark jumped up from the uncomfortable waiting room chair and rushed toward the slight man.  
  
"Clark." Mitch's voice was dull and tired, "He's fine, just a few bruises, a bad gash over his eye, another concussion...not bad at all."  
  
Clark nearly slumped to the floor in relief, but Mitch caught his elbow, "Do you want to see him?"  
  
"Yes." Clark gasped.  
  
"Good because he wants to see you." Mitch smiled, "He's been asking about you ever since they drugged him."  
  
"He's drugged?"  
  
"Painkillers. He's pretty damn high."   
  
Clark smiled, "That should be funny, huh?"  
  
Mitch shrugged, "Maybe for you, but not for me. He's already sent me on so many fake errands just to laugh at me..." Mitch shook his head when he realized that he was complaining, "He's quite the practical joker today."  
  
Mitch was leading him through the hallways to a private room in the back of the hospital. He opened a door and let Clark enter first.  
  
Lex was reclining on the bed, looking a little banged up. He was erratically flipping channels on the television and muttering a poem under his breath...  
  
"Hence, viper thoughts, that coil around my mind,  
Reality's dark dream!  
I turn from you, and listen to the wind,  
Which long has raved unnoticed...Clark!" *  
  
Clark smiled, "Nice poem, Lex...did you write it?"  
  
Lex scoffed, "No, silly, it is Coleridge, composed in...."  
  
"Lex? Did you just call me silly?"  
  
Lex shook his head adamantly, "No, I am certain that I did not utter the word 'silly'...positive as a matter of fact."  
  
Clark nodded, "Okay, then." He crossed to the bed and was shocked when Lex reached out and grasped his hand. "Did the doctors tell you there was no brain damage? Are they sure?"  
  
Lex laughed, "They are sure." Not taking his eyes off of Clark, Lex ordered, "Leave Mitch. Now."   
  
Mitch left the room in silence, shutting the door behind him with a sharp click.   
  
"How was your dance?" Lex asked giddily.  
  
"Kind of got interrupted by these pesky tornadoes..." Clark grinned.  
  
"Damn nature...it fucks with everything doesn't it?"  
  
"I guess." Clark was staring at Lex now because a hard, thin, perfectly formed thumb was stroking the inside of him palm intimately, like there was nothing odd about it at all.  
  
"Clark...can you tell me something. Just one thing...okay?" Lex looked at him through sharp but twinkling eyes like he knew the best secret in the world but wasn't about to share.  
  
"Maybe. Ask."  
  
"What are you trying to tell me?" Lex leaned in close, "I know you're trying to tell me something, Clark."  
  
"I'm trying to tell you that you're really weird on drugs?" Clark asked, lifting his brows.  
  
"No...with the notes, with the cookies, with the phone calls, with the looks, with the smiles, with the way you are looking at me right now...with all of it, the last year almost. What the hell are you trying to say to me, Clark?"   
  
Clark blushed and he started to back away but Lex gripped his hand like it was a life line. "Tell me. Just tell me. I'm high, I can handle it right now."  
  
Clark ducked his head, his face hot, "Um...don't laugh."   
  
"I can't promise that, Clark. Right now even the nurses with the big needles seem funny."  
  
"Okay. That's fair. I guess." Clark looked back up into Lex's clear, blue eyes, hesitated and finally breathed, "Alright, this is stupid...but it was my plan, 101 ways to tell you that..." Taking a steadying breath he blurted, "...that I love you."  
  
Lex nodded thoughtfully, not even the hint of a laugh on his face. "Okay."   
  
"Okay?"  
  
"Yes. I think that is the nicest thing I've ever heard."  
  
"Oh." Clark waited but Lex just continued to stare at him attentively. Finally, he couldn't help himself, "And you? How do you feel about me?"  
  
"Oh. Well, you're my favorite person. But you knew that." Lex shrugged and yawned, pulling his hand away from Clark's to put it over his mouth. Clark wanted it back and he wanted it back now.  
  
Instead, when the yawn ended, he leaned forward and kissed Lex. It was awkward at first; his tongue didn't seem to know where to go or what to do. But then Lex was grasping his face and the kiss was changing, deepening, quickening something in his soul.   
  
Clark broke free. "Was that any good?" he asked, embarrassed but needing to know.  
  
Lex smiled, eyes gleaming, "Nothing a little practice every day for a week or two won't fix. It was the best first kiss with a first kisser I've ever had."   
  
Clark smiled a little, "Kissed a lot of first kissers?"  
  
"No. You're my first first kisser. But I liked it. A lot. We'll do it again."  
  
"Yeah, we will." Clark murmured leaning in to capture Lex's lips again and it was a little smoother this time.  
  
Lex was breathless when they broke away from one another. Clark sat on the bed and curled over to rest his head on Lex's chest. Lex's fingers trailed into his hair, stroking gently.   
  
"Way to go, Clark." Lex muttered.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You've ruined everything."  
  
Clark sat up confused, "What are you talking about? I'm holding you, you're holding me...this seems pretty perfect."  
  
"Exactly. Everything is ruined. My plans for how to stop fantasizing about you, the exercise in self-control that I was determined to see through...destroyed. My plans to hook you up with Lana Lang...all down the drain. Your parent's respect for me as a person...what little there was...going up in flames as we speak..." Lex smiled, "You've fucked it all up. It's all ruined now."  
  
"Ah...I've ruined everything." Clark grinned, "Thank God."   
  
Lex was trapped by the arms and the lips and the tangle of legs as Clark climbed fully into the hospital bed.   
  
"Yes. Thank God."   
  
  
  
  
  
*Dejection: An Ode - Samuel Taylor Coleridge 


End file.
